Mari

(Photo stolen from Cocktail Party Physics.)

I think I am finally finding Allison. I feel I have found a place in me where my heart and mind agree. I know what I want for me.

Yes, I know I am a wife and mother. I do those relatively well. I would never give up those roles I hold most dear. But for years I didn't know what I was inside. I mean what I truly love in life. I have always known I love nature and children but I never knew how to harness that love into something concrete. Are you following me here?

I always envied those people who knew, "I am a writer or policeman or attorney or whatever" and I loved to hear stories of people blossoming a talent or love like a sewing or cake decorating business. They had a PASSION and followed it.

I never had that. I was once going to be a biologist, then an anthropologist, then a writer, then a clerk, then a librarian, then a park ranger, then a real estate agent. I enjoyed studying and pursuing all these fields but never had that passion. If for the exception of park ranger. I would still pursue that life goal if my age didn't get in the way.

I never had a concrete hobby. I volunteer for scouts, parents club, ski, hike, go the gym, write my blog, go to the movies, cook, bake, garden etc. But nothing was satisfying enough to feel I needed it in my life. I do love hiking, camping and scouts (park ranger ring a bell?) but that really revolves around my children and when they someday leave the house I probably won't be involved like I am now.

Now in my mid-30's I think I have found what a need in my life. I love photography. I feel it. I have come full circle. I almost need it. I feel the need to take my camera on some days and take 300 pictures of one tree or my children or birds or my cooking. It feels natural to me. I don't need to pursue it; it came to me.

I feel this way about crocheting also. It sounds so weird! My mom taught me as a little girl how to crochet and didn't pick it up again until just a few weeks ago. And now I can't stop. The beautiful and intricate designs created are so fun to make.

I have the luxury of being able to pursue and explore my passions because of my husband. He has worked very hard since we married and had children to make it possible for me to have a great life at home. He has given his time and patience so I can find myself. He made it feasible for me to stay home with the kids and care for our household and nurture me. He has always been encouraging if I stayed home or decided to work outside the home. He always gives me time. We manage, in Northern California, to have one income. He has made it possible for me to find Allison.

My dad always had a nickname for me: Mari. (Roll the "r"). I never questioned him until about a year ago. "Why do you call me Mari?" I asked. He very simple stated, "Because I like it, it is short for mariposa." Mariposa is Spanish for butterfly. That is what I am today, a butterfly. Finally coming out of my Chrysalis to be ME.